Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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