I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
