I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Quick, to the slutcave!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
