Banned from zoo.
Again?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
