I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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