Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
