just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
