I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
