I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
