The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
