You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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