My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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