btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
