help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
