I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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