Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
