I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
