I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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