I met the friendliest cop last night
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
