it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
