i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
