Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
