You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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