The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
