how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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