Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
