Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
