believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
