I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
