Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
