I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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