so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
