How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
