My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
