So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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