I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
