...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
