Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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