I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Someone shattered a urinal.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
