dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
