just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
