I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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