Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
