Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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