i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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