Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
