Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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