My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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