OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
