3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
false alarm, still single
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