I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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