I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
